The Onsen

Embarrassing photo.

At my behest, Sachi`s mom called up all the relatives and planned a weekend stay at the Onsen. It was about a 45 minute drive. We picked up Grandma and headed there around 7:00 PM.


In the room, everyone took off their shoes and slipped into the provided slippers. I had to go without; I looked retarded trying to cram my size 13 feet into what were maybe a size 9, max.


We did the hokey pokey and walked downstairs to eat dinner. On our way I discovered 2 dead bugs; one on the light and one on the floor--fairly close to each other. Double suicide?

Dinner was beautiful. I had the steamed eel. Sachi's mom and aunt had beer with me. Real women.


Before the main course came, we destroyed this gorgeously displayed sashimi.


When we got back, the room had been set for sleeping. No floor peeked out from underneath the soft, airy comforters begging for our attention. Not yet.


After donning the appropriate attire, the men left for the baths. We got to the locker room and quickly got the way God made us. Much toilet humor was exchanged. Turns out dick-jokes are a universal language. Since I am actually much more comfortable without the man-made tethers of clothes groping at my delicate skin, I had no problem getting used to the onsen. I only wished God had given me a pouch like marsupials to keep my towel and razor.


Hot water poured and bubbled. A sauna room, a dry-heat room, two jacuzzi's, an indoor bath, and an outdoor one were waiting, and only one patron was relaxing inside. I have never been so relaxed in my life.

I was amazed, as I always am, at the convenience of, and consideration that goes into Japanese products and services. We were provided with everything we needed to clean and groom ourselves, including a disposable toothbrush. I was looking for where the toothpaste was kept when a tiny plastic tube of just the right amount slid out of the package I was holding. Incredible--toothpaste.

My body felt like jelly. All I wanted to do was sleep.


We got to the room, finished a bottle of sake, and fell asleep.

However, before I did fall asleep, I almost died laughing. All was still, the cold wind stopped beating at our window, and Grandma ripped one, then moaned. She slapped her lips together and fell back asleep. That was the night Toshi and I got to know each other a little better.


In the morning, Yoshiki, Toshiyuki, and I played two rounds of putter golf.


My worst hole was a deca-quintuple bogey. It was a par 4. You do the math.


Yoshiki kicked both of our asses, but Toshi had a knack for miraculous shots.





After that we went to Sachi's Uncle's house to eat Nabe.


We stopped by a candy store and bought some fake dookie and toy airplanes.









The airplanes broke and the fun was over.




We can thank Dirty Hermaphro-Japanozz Christ for these blessings and good times we had.

Television

TV in Japan is a bit of a trip back in time. Many of the shows will remind Americans of classic formats from 60 years ago or more. The variety show has not died in Japan. Almost every program has a panel of famous or funny people who comment on various videos shown. They could really be about any topic. These shows can last 4 to 5 hours at a time. I understand very little, but if I did, I can tell the programs would be entertaining.



Another classic I wish America would have kept was the two-man comedian team. This is the classic format for comedy still in Japan, and many people have become famous from it.

Here is an oldie, but goodie:

Glad to see some traditions never die!

For New Year's Eve, they showed a special in which 5 well-known comedians agreed to act as bellhops on a pre-planned trip. Their activities would be planned out for them for an entire day. They had no idea what would be in store for them. Their challenge was to laugh as little as possible. If they laugh, they are spanked (hard) by men in patent-leather S&M suits. It is really funny.

Another television show that I enjoyed was "Hajimete no O-Tsukai," meaning "My First Errand." A very young child is chosen to go on a trip to purchase certain items from a store. Often it is for dinner or something similar, but can be anything. Then the child has to go out on his own for the first time and complete the task. The camera follows their entire journey. You would be surprised how dramatic it can be watching a boy try to get over his fear of slimy fish so he can put them back in the bucket. Then, lurking at every corner is the cat waiting to strike.

Whether it was highly manipulated or very real, I was still near tears at the end of the episode. These little kids go through so much and try their hardest. Even when they want to give up, they do their best for their mothers. It is such a unique program.
I thought about it for a while, then realized we could never have this program in America. I would never let my 4 year old kid walk half a mile and rely simply on the kindess of strangers. I am not sure if in America you really can`t, or if in America you think you can't, but I know the program would never work.

Sachi's family never wears a seatbelt. I noticed that you don't really need to. Driving is never fast enough to cause you bodily harm and even on the "highway" it is usually only two lanes. Himeji is a relatively small city compared to Tokyo or Osaka, but I think the concept applies to other cities in Japan. It really is a smaller, more community-based conception of living. The reason that is possible, however, is because Japan is smaller. America makes things like genuine democracy without electoral colleges or sending your four year old down the street virtually impossible simply because of its size.

You will just have to come to Japan to see some of their programs. I leave you with one of my favorite commercials for student's requisite school backpacks.

More Useful and Useless Vocab

I am beginning to wish that certain areas of our Japanese language curriculum were focused on for more than one week. I also really desire to do a total overhaul of the vocabulary. Instead of learning how to talk like a pissed-off, undersexed divorcee, I could learn everyday vocabulary. One area that would have been extremely useful to spend extra time on or possibly come back to would be purchasing and store interactions. The employees everywhere talk so fast, and I have never heard the phrases that they use. Also, I did not know you had to take your shoes off just to try some clothes on in the fitting booth.

Here are some more words I have picked up through friends, dictionaries, TV programs, and movies:

sora - sky
kuidaore - food coma
o-toshidama - new years gift (cash!)
o-tsukai - errand (grab something from the store)
munekyun - attractive for a fleeting moment
kemushi - caterpillar
osoroi - look the same
hosoi - skinny
nikibi - zit
kabocha - squash
hige - beard
donguri - acorn
iki - breath
o-shiro - castle
tokai - big city
suso - hem
kyuuri - cucumber
go-chuumon wa ijyou de yoroshii desu ka? - Is that all?
nori - glue
toru - to grab, get
youkai - spirits
otamajyakushi - tadpoles
oide - come here
kusunoki - camphor tree
zutto - a while
nobiru - to grow
shiyouga - ginger
gyuunyuu - milk
jidaigeki - traditional TV drama format set in Edo era
nigai - bitter
fushizen - unnatural
denpyou - check (restaurant)

There many possible improvements that have become terribly apparent about the Japanese program at my Alma Mater. Is that how you spell Alma Mater? College Graduate.

Purikura

Sachi's House

My first observation upon arriving in Japan was: I'm big. Everything is closer, more narrow, and as compact as possible. No space is wasted. Backyards are a very American concept. Instead of visiting real nature or a public park, we would rather own and cage our own piece. There is no such thing as sprawl. So, one of the first words I learned was "senmai," meaning "cramped," or "uncomfortable."

Sachi's house is fairly typical for Japan. It is a mixture of Eastern and Western elements. There is a small garage for one car, and Western doorknobs upstairs. However, the main family room has traditional sliding doors and a mat for sitting. Every house has this family room with low table and heated blankets for the winter.


Before entering the house you must take your shoes off. No exceptions. This concept applies almost everywhere. If there is a doubt in your mind, take them off. Even when trying on pants in the fitting room, you must take off your shoes.


The house has a classic "ofuro" or bathtub. I had to learn the proper way to use it. First you shower yourself off and clean everything in the area next to the tub, then once clean, you can soak in the heated bathtub. It is like a mini-jacuzzi in your house. I wish they had these in America.

I first made the mistake of washing in the tub, then draining the water. You are supposed to save the water for many soaks. The Japanese are very conscientious of conservation. Modesty could be the best word to describe living in Japan.


I also had to learn how to use the toilet. It has a bidet and dryer built in. You can change the strength and direction of the spray, and even in the winter, the stream is warm. You never feel unclean and don't really need to use a lot of toilet paper--a money and tree saver. I don't want to go back to wiping my ass and cold showers.

The house has one tiny washer and no dryer. Japanese people hang dry their clothes. Another energy saver, and your clothes never shrink!

Sachi's father sells traditional, concave roofing panels for a living. When he gets home, he is in front of the TV, on the mat, toe socks on, and having a smoke. To Sachi's mother's dismay, both of her young men smoke as well. As I posted before, Japan is the number 4 country for Tobacco consumption in the world. You will see 60 year old men riding a rascal and suckin' a stoag'. Biking and smoking is a common site. It is always surprising to find that almost every dining or coffee establishment offers a smoking section. Someone explain to me the top 16 rating in the world for life expectancy. With the overworking, pressures of life and society, and smoking, you would think they'd be dropping like flies.


Sachi's brothers are Toshiyuki (20) and Yoshiki (18). I was confused for a while, too. Toshi plays guitar and Yoshiki plays drums: respectively, the members of X-JAPAN are Toshiyuki (guitar) and Yoshiki (drums). The rock gods have already chosen their destinies.



Toshi is into punk rock and used to tour with his own band, "Break or Die." He knows members of Balzac and worked backstage for Guitar Wolf, to name a few. He turned me on to a local Himeji girl band called, "Love Love." When spoken, it sounds more like "Lub Lub." I rarely see him, because he is always working at Zundo Ramen. It is the best ramen I have ever eaten in my life. The chashu is like butter.

Yoshiki works at a gas station. He likes David Bowie, T.Rex, and other classic rock bands. He plays guitar a little, but is better at drums. He always comments to Sachi about how cool it is if I say any words in English. For a while I kept saying, "gross," because he thought it was awesome.



Sachi's brothers remind me a lot of my own: stupid, gross, and annoying. I am really getting along with them.








Toshi also loves to cook in his spare time. Here is some food pornography to wet your tastebuds:



Finally, the latest in Japanese fashion with trance/porno DVD menu music.

Himeji Castle

Himeji Castle, Sachi told me (she was pretty sure), is the second largest castle in Japan. The next one is the Emporer`s. This is the main gate.


My luck had already started, because today the castle was open for free. It was huge. Sachi told me it would take something like 5 hours to walk around the entire castle. All I could think as I saw these massive structures so cleverly designed to keep out and destroy enemies was that humans are incredible and humans are scary. I also thought about how hard it must have been to live in the 1800`s.

It was very dark, and every room on the inside looked the same, so I did not take many pictures inside. We had to take our shoes off before going inside. A plastic bag was provided to carry your shoes through the tour, I needed one bag for each of my shoes. The slippers I was provided were to small. A nice, but very curt old lady, slapped my arm, said something I couldn`t understand, and dropped the biggest pair of slippers they had in front of me. Then she ran off into a room.

We saw these two bad-ass mothers with equally bad beards--some traditional samurai gear.


The one on the left was a natural. He gave me a little sass with his shoulder for the camera. B-Boy stance!


Yoshiki at the gift shop. If I can be honest, the 18th century feudal warrior look is so last year.


And this kind of foul behavior from a proper young lady would`ve definitely landed her dead in a well in the old days. Actually, there is a real life horror story related to a well in Himeji Castle. It may have influenced The Ring a little bit. An upper rank aristocrat in the castle had some plans to overthrow the lord, but a woman who was loyal to the lord heard about this and tattled. The bad guys found out who did it and had her pushed into the very deep well. At night, they said that she could be heard counting the broken pieces of the really expensive plate set she was carrying at the time of her death, "1...2...3..."

I bought a bookmark and we said goodbye to beautiful Himeji Castle.


My fingers were red and I could barely feel them anymore. On our way out, we saw this.


Oh my god.

新年 (New Year)

New Year`s for the Japanese is a big holiday. In many ways it is comparable to Thanksgiving. Families come together to celebrate, everyone gets work off, pig out, laze about, and afterward, go shopping at all the sales. Some people like to try and see the first sunrise of the new year. The week after New Year`s is a big celebration. Many events take place all over Japan.


On the first day of the new year, Sachi, her brother Yoshiki, and I went to the shrine to pray for the coming year and have our fortunes told. On the way to the event, many booths are selling delicious grilled foods. You can buy sausage, takoyaki (kind of like round pancakes with octopus inside), yakitori (grilled chicken), and many others. The line was long, but it went by quickly and everyone seemed to be in good spirits.




What everyone is lined up to do, is make a request to the gods. First, one rings the bell so the gods can hear you, then you toss in a coin offering to the shrine, then you clap your hands twice, bow slightly, and make a wish.



This angry dude is called an "oni." He is a demon who protects certain corners. There are directions which are not "good," for lack of a better word. If you build a corner in that direction, it allows entrance to evil spirits. That`s what the oni is for.


At the shrine, I bought my fortune. Sachi told me I got the best one. I felt, even before I came here, that incredible things were to come this year. Maybe fortune is simply strong will manifested. The stick I pulled from the random pile was simply drawn to me.

It was terribly cold that day, so we stopped at Mr. Donuts. I have never tasted a better donut in my life. The sounds I made as I chewed could have been misinterpreted as Mr. Donuts and me being much more than friends. The coffee was great, too. The place was packed, but they ran out of their famous "Pon de Ringu." Oh, well. Now I have an excuse to come back. Sachi told me, "No one hates Mr. Donuts. No one."


Looks like my little brother gets a sneak-peek at his gift. Baikin man is the arch-nemesis of An-Pan Man. The hero, An-Pan Man is made out of bread, so naturally, Baikin man, an evil bacteria, would be his enemy. I have always loved a good bad guy.

And as if this day wasn`t already incredible, we decided to visit Himeji Castle, which is just a short bike ride away from Sachi`s home.